Clozapine
by myfavoriteloser
Summary: Sasuke didn't know if the insanity eating away at his mind was making him hallucinate, but when he reached out and touched his 12-year-old reflection in the mirror, the glass felt real.
1. Seppuku

_**So I had the urge to read a Time Travel fic on what I have decided to call "My Great Sasuke Binge", but the only good ones I've found where Sasuke has went back in time haven't been updated in a while, and didn't have enough chapters to satiate my hunger.**_

_**I decided to write my own even though I mostly write humor, as you can see from my other fics, and I planned to make this as canon as possible but I will be taking a few liberties with the story.**_

_**I'm going to be exploring what I think Sasuke's mind could possibly look like, so I assure you it won't be all rainbows and flowers. I would also like to WARN you about the somewhat graphic images that may be painted here.**_

* * *

_**Clozapine**_

_Sasuke didn't know if the insanity eating away_

_at his mind was making him hallucinate, but when he _

_reached out and touched his 12-year-old reflection in the mirror, _

_the glass felt real._

_**Prologue: **__Seppuku_

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke had lost his damn mind.

It didn't come as a surprise to him; it was something he had been anticipating since the night he stepped one traitorous foot out of Konoha. He knew the path he'd chosen, that of an avenger, was going to be a lonely, twisted one before he even decided he to leave his "home." A man could only be alone with his own disturbed thoughts and dark emotions so long before being overwhelmed by psychosis.

He had felt it creeping up on him slowly but surely after his first week in Oto. With every second he spent in the snake-sannin's presence and every night he laid awake, listening to the tortured screams of Kabuto's test subjects, the claws of insanity had dug a little deeper into his ankles and dragged him a little farther into its shadowed hole.

Of course, he thought his mind to be a necessary sacrifice that paled in comparison to what he hoped to achieve. Even now, as he held_ Kusanagi _delicately in his hands and surveyed it with the thoughtful eyes of a madman, the only thing he would have changed was not murdering Naruto in his sleep before the idiot grew strong enough to _ruin everything_.

The only outward sign of Sasuke's anger was the tightening of his hands around _Kusanagi's _blade. It sliced both his palms to the point where he could feel the cold steel on his bone, and while the action registered clearly in his brain, he deemed it unimportant enough to ignore for the time being.

If _Naruto_ and his stupid _hero complex_ hadn't swooped in to save the fucking day like always, Konoha would've been a pile of rubble at his feet by now. He wouldn't be on the run from every able-bodied ninja the Leaf could spare. His other ex-teammate, Sakura, wouldn't be somewhere crying her eyes out (and probably on the verge of suicide, though he had no room to judge) because everyone she loved was dead, since she would've been too. Madara, his key to the ultimate power that he craved desperately, wouldn't have drowned pitifully in his own blood on the battlefield.

If the insufferable blond had still been alive, Sasuke would have killed him himself.

It was these kinds of notions about his former best friend and the girl he probably would've loved in a different world that made the young Uchiha realize how far he'd fallen. He could remember the first time he tried to kill Sakura like it was yesterday. He recalled the shock, hurt, and fear projected so strongly in her green eyes that he could nearly feed off it. The feeling of her warm neck in his hand, knowing that he had her life at the ends of his cold finger tips; it filled him with a grim satisfaction that he'd never experienced before. Every person he murdered afterwards was just like fuel to the flame.

Whoever said insane people didn't know they were insane, Sasuke mused as he stared down at the sword clutched in his bloody hands, obviously wasn't themselves.

Someone that had lost their mind was perfectly aware of it. He himself was a loose cannon; the hinge on a door that had once worked perfectly fine, but slid slightly out of place after years of being used; he knew this. But he hid it well. The rest of the world didn't realize Uchiha Sasuke was a maniac. To them, he never did anything without a reason. He was always calm. He was always in control. He always had a plan.

That could not have been farther from the truth.

He could write a book with the names of civilians and ninja alike that he'd massacred just because. His mind was constantly at war with itself, persistently pulling in contradicting directions and urging him to do things that made no sense. His thought patterns were jumbled and abrupt. He didn't understand himself half the time, often making decisions he won't even remember until he's thrust into an inopportune situation due to them. He hadn't, for instance, meant to stab Karin to get to Danzō. She had still been a semi-valuable pawn; he'd intended to devise a plan to save her. But he'd lost her to the enemy in a moment of reckless hatred, and it had utterly pissed him off. It was yet another thing that didn't go his way.

Sasuke then decided that he hated everything.

He hated Konoha. He hated the Five Great Shinobi Nations. He hated the world, no, _the entire universe_. He hated jutsu. He hated being a ninja. He hated his chokutō. He hated kunai and shuriken. He hated snakes. He hated rocks. He hated clothes.

While he continued to rattle off everything he could possibly think of in his head, he began to strip himself of whatever he could that he'd already listed. He sought out all the hidden weapons on his person, throwing them and_ Kusanagi_ a few yards away. Next he began undoing the ties of his outfit, murmuring under his breath. When he was completely naked, he kicked every rock he could see littering the small clearing into the dense trees around him with his bare feet. His mutters slowly escalated into furious screams.

"I hate Team Seven! I hate the bonds!"

He bit his thumb, smearing his blood on the ground, and summoned a snake. It was fairly average sized, with deep black scales that matched its endless eyes. Sasuke grabbed it roughly before it could ask what he wanted, and smashed it's head in the dirt. It hissed in pain, thrashing wildly in self-preservation, but his vice grip didn't budge. He struck it ruthlessly with his fists, literally beating its lithe body to pieces with his hands. He summoned another.

The cycle repeated for what felt like weeks. The reptilian bodies piled up and he kept roaring until his throat was raw.

"I hate myself." he rasped, gaze slowly drifting towards _Kusanagi_. He shakily lifted his blood-spattered body, stumbling over himself as he made his way toward the chokutō. He wrapped his quivering, damaged fingers around the hilt and poised the blade mere inches away from his abdomen.

"I hate living." he thrust _Kusanagi _into his stomach with all the power he had left. His head rolled back and he collapsed over into the dirt.

"I hate…the past." His eyes drifted shut.

* * *

**_I am already in the process of writing chapter one, though I have no idea when it'll be finished because I'm writing a lot and juggling tons of ideas right now. Thanks for reading._**


	2. Convergence

_**Is it bad that I am having so much fun writing a psychopath? Seriously.**_

_**Sasuke had a psychotic break in the previous chapter, but in this one you'll be able to see more of how his thought patterns normally are after he stops being loopy-ish. (So he won't be going on nude rampages and killing animals with his bare hands.) Some things might seem a little repetitive, choppy, or irrational, but I've done it all purposely. He's insane, remember?**_

* * *

_**Clozapine**_

_Sasuke didn't know if the insanity eating away_

_at his mind was making him hallucinate, but when he_

_reached out and touched his 12-year-old reflection in the mirror,_

_the glass felt real._

_**Chapter One: **__Convergence_

* * *

When Sasuke woke up it didn't feel like he was in Hell. In fact, whatever lay beneath him was easily comparable to a cloud. He wasn't in any pain either, but that could have been because he was dead. Dead people obviously didn't feel anything; they were dead.

"_Uchiha-san, are you awake? If you are, can you try to move for me?"_

He didn't want to move. He felt like he shouldn't have to. He'd already lived his life, so he should be able to just lay there wherever he was as long as he thought necessary. He was comfortable where he was. It was warm, very, very warm. It lulled his body pleasantly. And who was that voice to tell _him_ what to do anyway? He did what he wanted, and he wanted to stay there. He wasn't going to open his eyes either. The voice couldn't make him.

"_Uchiha-san, if you're awake I really need you to let me know."_

Sasuke didn't know who the woman speaking was but he wanted to kill her. That would be the first thing he did when he was ready to get up. He would wrap his fingers around her throat and strangle her until her eyes popped out. He knew she wouldn't feel as good as Sakura, though. He wondered if his ex-teammate would be angry if she found out he was strangling another woman. No, she was probably too busy attempting to off herself. She was weak. She wouldn't be able to do it.

Finally he decided that he would move just a little so that the woman would go away: a toe maybe, or perhaps his pinky. Would she notice if he moved his pinky? That really wasn't his problem. He was only moving once, and she'd better leave him alone afterward whether she saw it or not.

The simple act of wiggling his pinky flooded Sasuke's mind with awareness. Before it had been like he was submerged in water. Everything was muted, and the woman's voice had been muffled to the point he could barely understand her. Now his hearing came rushing back. There was something beeping directly into his ear. It was irksome, like Sakura. Why did he keep thinking about her? He didn't like thinking about her; it was annoying. Maybe it was because she was the only one still alive before he committed suicide. He wondered if he would see them all, the ninja from Konoha, wherever he was, or if they had went somewhere else because they'd died honourably in battle and he'd just stabbed himself. He didn't like that thought.

The beeping grew irregular to match his aggravation, and that only made him more irritated. It was a cycle that fed itself, and he could hear the woman scrambling around but not really accomplishing anything.

"_I need medics in here _now_; he's going into cardiac arrest!"_

Why did she seem so worried if he was already dead? Was it possible to die twice? If not then he wouldn't be able to kill her since she was most likely dead too.

"_His heart-rate is accelerating!"_

He heard the thundering of stampeding feet and frantic voices barking out orders to one another. He could feel hands forcing chakra into his abeyant body. It made him angry, because if he _wanted_ their chakra, he would have asked for it. And he didn't _recall_ asking for it, so _obviously _he didn't want it. He tried to scowl, but his face wouldn't move, and his heart was beating so hard that it was making his mind foggy.

"_We're losing him; we're losing him!"_

His world bled black.

..

..

..

When Sasuke woke up again there were daffodils by the window.

He wasn't sure why he'd automatically checked to see if they were there, or why he expected someone to be at his bedside, hand feeding him sliced apples, but he felt a bit put off by it all. Everything was just _wrong_. He didn't like when things weren't how they should be. It made him uncomfortable, sometimes murderous. Lots of things make him murderous though. Like how Kabuto used to always be a jealous, prissy, _bitch_ or how Madara used to order him around like the older Uchiha actually had a clue. He never particularly liked Sai either, but he didn't pay him much mind since the other ninja was simply a _cheap_, _washed-out_ imitation…perhaps Sasuke disliked the pale artist more than he realised. Well that was fine. There was plenty of room on his "Extreme Distaste" list.

He'd been completely numb when he first regained consciousness but now, as he stared contemplatively at the somewhat drooping white flowers, he could feel pain edging forward almost cautiously. It was strange. He expected to feel an ache in his abdomen, possibly his hands, but this pain was different. It was a burning sensation that spread throughout his body, seeming to grow more and more potent with each blink of his eye. Within minutes it had become unbearable. He rolled onto his side, curling up in the fetal position and convulsing violently. He wanted to scream for help, but he couldn't but that was alright because he didn't want to anyway.

"Uchiha-san!"

It was the woman again. And her irritating voice. Didn't she ever take a break? Why was she _always _around? Her nimble hands grasped his jerking body, forcing him into a sitting position. Her fingers prodded at his lips; he kept them firmly shut.

"Uchiha-san, I have chakra suppressant pills and I need you to take them—"

Well she just _needed _a lot of things, didn't she?

"—they'll make the pain go away."

He didn't understand why chakra suppressant pills would stop what was happening to him. He didn't understand why it even hurt when he was supposed to be _dead_. He didn't understand a lot of things. He didn't understand why he didn't understand these things because he understood everything. He didn't want to think anymore either, so he let her push the pills into his mouth and he swallowed.

The results weren't instantaneous. The pain didn't just magically dissipate like he hoped it would. He could feel the burning sensation inching away sluggishly; subsiding much slower than it had appeared. A relieved breath snaked out of his parted lips. He rolled over and sunk into the hospital cot, snuggling his face into the overly plush comforters. Sasuke had just woken up, but he already wanted to drift back into oblivion.

The woman remained hovering unsurely above his relaxing form. He fought the urge to roll his eyes. She was rather incompetent, in his opinion. She had this annoying habit of catching things after it was already too late. And she nagged…all the time. She shouldn't be trying to tell him what to do if she wasn't even doing her own job right. He had half the mind to tell her this, but he didn't feel like it, so he stayed silent. She stood there for a moment, shuffling her feet anxiously.

"Uchiha-san," she said finally, sounding almost guilty, "I'm afraid you can't lie like that. It could aggravate your wounds."

Sasuke sighed deeply. Of _course _he couldn't lie like this; what on Earth was he thinking? He couldn't make decisions for himself either, or blink, or _breathe_. He turned onto his back, conveying his displeasure by staring blankly up at her through a half-lidded gaze.

A shock of recognition shot through him.

His dark eyes darted across her face, taking in her familiar brown hair and small, freckled nose. She was the nurse that had always taken care of him back in Konoha, when he would end up in the hospital: Masaki. (The hospital thought that a familiar face would help speed up the recovery of its patients.) He hadn't recognized her voice because it had been a while since he last heard it, but her painfully average features could not be mistaken.

What the hell was going on?

"Bathroom." he rasped, throat scratchy and uncomfortable after going so long without being used.

"I don't think you're well enough to—"his eyes narrowed into a glare. Masaki swallowed. She wasn't much older than him, and was therefore still vulnerable to his "look."

"…Down the hall, to the left." she tried to help him sit up, but he gently shrugged her hands away.

Biting her lip, the young nurse stepped aside, watching worriedly as Sasuke swung his trembling legs over the edge of the cot. He jolted when his bare feet touched the cold tiles. Masaki reached out again, intending to help him remain steady. This time his refusal was harsh, coupled with a level stare that had her retreating almost instantly.

The trip to the restroom was embarrassing. He could feel the cool air on his exposed bum (dear God, he must have_ pissed _in a_ pan_ while he was unconscious), and he had to hobble down the corridor like a penguin on crutches. His pride was pretty much out of the window at this point, but he was going to act like it very well _wasn't_ until he could scrounge up what was still intact.

What was he even doing in Konoha, anyway? From what he remembered, the hospital (and pretty much everything else) had been completely flattened. There was no way he'd been out so long that they were able to rebuild everything. And Masaki didn't look any older than she did back when he was 12; he couldn't fathom her possessing the skills necessary to keep up a constant henge like the Gondaime. Then there was the small fact that everyone in Konoha hated him, so he shouldn't be getting the five-star treatment that he was now. Perhaps it was some sort of trick, or maybe he really had died and this was simply what his own personal Hell looked like.

The bathroom was just as empty as the halls were. But this wasn't exactly suspicious. It had been dark outside when he woke up the second time. He wouldn't have been able to see his own hand if not for the full moon glowing in the sky, and the small lamp on the nightstand by his cot. The other patients were probably asleep. Of course, no one could be about because this was all a ploy, and they were afraid of ruining it. Or he was dead and since this was _his_ Hell, only he and Masaki were there. That made sense. He hated weakness, and he was always at his weakest when he was in the hospital with her.

He waddled over to the sinks, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes and fighting back a yawn. He chose one at random, and turned the nozzle with a red sticker until it wouldn't move anymore. He leaned forward, his heavy lids remaining closed, waiting until he felt steam on his face. In one swift movement, he stuck his head under. The scalding water burned his scalp, but he wouldn't budge before he was fully awake and his mind completely clear. He couldn't think straight with it muddled as it was now.

He had no idea how long he remained in the same position, hardly breathing. When he finally turned the faucet off, his head was drenched and tingling and he felt more alive than he had since he'd woken up dead. Running his hand down the length of his face, he finally raised his gaze to the mirror hanging above the sink.

…Sasuke didn't know if the insanity eating away at his mind was making him hallucinate, but when he reached out and touched his 12-year-old reflection in the mirror, the glass felt real.

..

..

..

He stepped back into his hospital room; mind once again in a whirlwind. Masaki was gone, much to his immense pleasure. He had no idea what he might have done if he had returned to the idiot woman's ridiculous squawking. He paced, because at the moment he had no idea what to do or what to think. If this was all part of an illusion, why did everything seem to be actually happening? Could he feel pain because he really _was_ in Hell; was it a part of his damnation? Could he be completely wrong about the entire situation; could he somehow have seriously been thrown back into his genin days? But he was never wrong, so that couldn't be right…but if he was never wrong, did that mean he was _right _about being wrong?

Sasuke clenched his jaw so tightly he heard his teeth creak. He was confused. He didn't _like_ being confused. He forced himself to take deep, calming breaths. The screeching voices that all sounded like him and all said different things faded to whispers until only the most reasonable lingered. _Remember your basic Shinobi training. While in a situation where you know nothing, the first thing you should do is change that._

His dark eyes scanned the room for anything appearing remotely useful. His gaze landed on the clipboard hanging from the cot. He could find out what was wrong with his body, and then go from there. Nodding in approval at the beginnings of what could prove to be a decent plan in the near future, he strolled forward with renewed purpose.

**Patient Name: Uchiha Sasuke**

**Gender: Male**

**Age: 12**

**DOB: July 23**

**Height: 151cm**

**Weight: 42kg**

**Blood Type: AB**

**Description of Injuries:**

_Large wound covering torso; presumably from a curved-bladed sword._

_ Deep gashes on the entirety both palms; thought to be the result of clutching a blade._

_ Bloody, broken knuckles; possibly from repeatedly striking an object(s)._

_ Seems to possess more chakra than body can hold; never before seen._

_ Extreme exhaustion._

**Treatment Procedures:**

_Stiches on hands and torso must be cleaned/ wounds should be redressed daily._

_ Chakra suppressants should be administered every 6hrs until reason for surplus is found/corrected._

_ Painkillers should be administered as needed to prevent possible addiction._

_**Length of Stay: **__Indefinite_

Sasuke frowned, fingering the bandages on his stomach beneath the thin hospital gown. From the descriptions in the chart, his injuries seemed…larger than he recalled. And his chakra being too much for his system was odd. Perhaps his mind wasn't the only thing thrust upon his 12-year-old body. Physical aspects must have been transferred as well. He cursed, realising how hard he would have to work to expand his chakra networks to the appropriate size. It then occurred to him that in the time it took to read his chart, he had come to accept the fact that he was, indeed, in the past. This revelation opened all new doors.

He was four years into the past, armed with knowledge and skill that would allow him to do pretty much whatever he pleased. He could obliterate Konoha before the fools even knew what happened. Or better yet, a dangerous smile spread across his lips, he could succeed where his clan had failed.

He could take it over.

..

..

..

_**I decided to end it there instead of where I originally intended partly because that seemed like an awesome place to stop…and partly because I didn't feel like writing the last part at this particular moment.**_

_**Feel free to point out any typos and I shall do my best to fix them.**_


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